Sometimes writing is the only way for me to get out certain feelings. This week has been hard, I have not been a happy Cams...my roommates can probably testify. I have so much feeling inside of me, but it doesn't come out. I don't know how to let it out, even though I want it to come out. I am not strong. Despite all things I am the weakest person I know. I say this because instead of facing my worst reality I hide from it, I deny it, I bottle it up and throw it out to sea for someone else to deal with. I don't like how I am, I don't like what I have become, I don't like that I don't feel. I long for the time when I was my best self, when I knew what I wanted in life, and I knew how I was going to achieve it. I have made life too complicated.
I am a happy person, I would not have it any other way. I love being happy and I consciously choose to be happy every morning. There are times in my life where I just want to give up my pride and my selfishness and reach out to others who know and understand me for who I am. There are very few people in my life who know my true feelings on different topics. Come to think of it I don't know that anyone really does, not even myself.
I am very easily entertained. I like to think that it is one of my more redeeming qualities. I find joy in just about every situation. Life makes me happy, death also makes me happy. I, unlike many people, have a great acceptance of death. As a child I would often find myself thinking about death and how weird it would be to not be living. All I know is life. There is something intriguing about the unknown and how it is going to all work. How am I going to know what death is like if I am not living and thinking and knowing. I was reading in Moses with my roommates last week, and there is something so mind boggling about being in the presence of God and to be able to have full knowledge about this life and of the heavens. How would it have been to be Moses and to have seen all of the expansive things he had, and then come back down to his life and realize that what he saw was incomprehensible to his mortal mind.
Maybe that is why he was taken. Maybe he had acquired all the knowledge that his mortal mind could handle and in order to understand the things that he was trying to understand he had to be taken into the presence of God. I know when someone is taken that we tend to let our minds settle on the positive things and to justify it so that we can move on with our lives. The ever so popular "he was taken to be a missionary on the other side" is one I hear most often. There is a good chance that it is indeed true, but it still doesn't make me not hurt. I think there was still much I could have learned from him, and I also think that I could have taught him a few things. These things only happen to other people, not to me. I am going to clean my room now.
