Festivus

Its Christmas time and I have been doing a lot of fun Christmas things. I am usually kind of a bumhuggy kind of person, but this year I feel super festive. I think I had a good start by going shopping on black friday. There is something about being surrounded by hundreds of people who are completely out of their minds.

My roommate and I got our Christmas tree last weekend and our house is decked to the halls with christmasiness.



Gingerbread houses were made,



wreaths were made and hung,



and lights are all a twitter in the snow. It has been fun this year since it is my second Christmas in this house living with the same roommate so we have some traditions now and it has been a lot of fun. The constant struggle still remains...what do I buy to give everyone??

Growing Pains

So I am really good at pretending that I am a really tough person. I act like most things don't affect me. I am starting to realize that they affect me me more than I allowed myself to realize. I have decided that it is time to make some new friends, this decision seriously scares me. I don't really like making new friends and I am not very good at it. But something in my life has to change or something is going to go seriously wrong. Becoming an adult is hard and sucks.

What did you do to my cup?

So I got a new job. It pays less, but is a lot less stressful. It is crazy I have so much fun with my co-workers, I sometimes feel bad because I have so much fun. I come home exhaused from laughing all day. I am so much happier because of it. The job change was totally worth it, plus I am doing something that I love now. which makes all the difference in the world.

The Office was pretty freaking hilarous tonight, and I can't wait to see Grey's Anatomy on Saturday.

Soccer pains

I have a passion for soccer. There is just something that I really like that I feel when I play. I can't really describe it, but I know that I need it. Last night I had a game and my foot got stepped on...it really hurts. I really like dribbling around people.

I wish whatever it is that has decided to settle in my heart would go away even when I am not playing soccer.

Summer Goals

One of my goals for the summer is to run a 5K in less than 25 minutes. This morning I had a race and I woke up at 4:45am to run it. Which in my opinion is way too early. Runners are freaking crazy. My time was 25.17...so not happy. 17 freaking seconds. Now I have to run another race just so I can accomplish my stupid goal. I did get second in my age group which got me a super cool medal which I am sure my posterity is going to appreciate. I guess having to run another race will make it so I will continue to work hard this summer.

Watch Yourself

I still flinch when someone makes any quick movements when they are near me. I am pretty sure that I look super silly, but it is a reflex that is hard to untrain. Most of my life it was a very useful reflex and one that was enabled with good cause. People just think I am flinchy, but only I know better. I was trained to have such sharp reflexes. I learned from previous experiences that those reflexes were what kept me safe. To some I may just be flinchy, but to me everytime I flinch I have a memory of my brother. He was my main teacher. A poke here, and fake punch there, I was poised and ready at any moment from any direction the threat may come from. Now my reflex goes mainly unused, and generally there is no real threat, but the memory is what I long for.

GRADUATION

Some of you may have already heard that I am graduating...in just a couple of hours as a matter of fact. It is so crazy to think that I have been up here in SLC for three years now, it seems like just yesterday that I came up here. So much has changed since then. Truthfully I am a little scared for school to be over. I know how to do school, I don't know how to have a career or a full-time job, ironically enough they don't really teach you that in school. It is going to be interesting how long I will be able to stay away from school. I am already kind of going crazy with the whole working all the time thing. Life just doesn't seem as fullfilling. I have decided that I am going to have to find some new hobbies to help fill my time.
For some reason while I was growing up I never really thought of what I would do with my life after I didn't have school anymore. Well I guess that is not intirely true, but I didn't see myself as being single and graduated. However now that I am at that point I am not sad or angry I actually have been having a really fun time being single. I don't think I would have done anything differently.

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I am glad

So my goal of not laughing so much didn't pan out. I decided that it is okay, I like laughing and being happy, it is what makes me me. When I am happy people know it and I think that is a good thing.

Things that made me happy this week:

My institute teacher being serious about setting me up
Going to a free concert
My family having a debate as to whether or not I have a boyfriend
Talking with an old friend
Bonding with my lil' sis.
Seeing my flowers bloom
Hearing my favorite song on the radio when I woke up
The awesome whether that permitted me to wear flip-flops

I'll Show you Happy

I think I have a disease...I can't stop laughing. This really shouldn't be a negative thing, but really it is getting to the point where I annoy myself because I laugh too much. I am never serious, because as a coping mechanism I laugh when something gets serious. Then there are the laughing attacks where I just start laughing for no apparent reason. The attacks usually last about five minutes and the longest one recorded was ten. It is very tireing and quite frankly I am getting sick of it. "And my buns, they don't look nuttin like steel"

Goal for this week: Be serious and not laugh

Jittery

I am nervous. I think I like my new job, but it makes me nervous. I don't know if it is because I feel like I am branching out into the real world or if it is because I don't think that I am qualified to do it. Tomorrow I will be on my own for most of the day, so I will see how I hold up.

The Docile Tesseroni looks good, i'll have that

I saw my dogs life pass before my eyes, and that is when I knew that I would miss her if she died. Begal, her mom, was attacked once by a rottweiler and I had the same reaction. I didn't care about what the dog might do to me, I cared what it was presently doing to my dog. I suppose it is the same reaction a mother should have for her child who is in danger. Tessy's experience was quite similar but this time it was a pitbull. I kicked, I yelled at it, and I pulled at it. That dog was after blood, and I was not going to allow it. The pitbull was treating my cute little prissy Tessy like a piece of meat. He shook her and was latched onto her mouth so she couldn't defend herself...not that she knew how to anyway.

We used to try to get Tessy to bit us by putting our hand in her mouth and pushing down on it-- she refused. She is a peace-maker dog, and only wants to be pet.

No blood was drawn that I could see, but she was really shook up. Poor little girl I don't blame her, it shook me up too. I got her back into the house after the nice owner of the pitbull finally came around and pried his dog off. At least he scolded his dog, no apologies, but I can't ask for the world to change. The owner of the rottweiler did quite the same thing, except he just called to the dog from 60 yards away and didn't even scold the dog, I was furious for many days, and never walked by that house again. All this is just to say that Tessy has earned a stay. She may be stupid and drive me crazy, but she is my mine, and she makes me laugh.

A Lecture on Life and Death

Sometimes writing is the only way for me to get out certain feelings. This week has been hard, I have not been a happy Cams...my roommates can probably testify. I have so much feeling inside of me, but it doesn't come out. I don't know how to let it out, even though I want it to come out. I am not strong. Despite all things I am the weakest person I know. I say this because instead of facing my worst reality I hide from it, I deny it, I bottle it up and throw it out to sea for someone else to deal with. I don't like how I am, I don't like what I have become, I don't like that I don't feel. I long for the time when I was my best self, when I knew what I wanted in life, and I knew how I was going to achieve it. I have made life too complicated.

I am a happy person, I would not have it any other way. I love being happy and I consciously choose to be happy every morning. There are times in my life where I just want to give up my pride and my selfishness and reach out to others who know and understand me for who I am. There are very few people in my life who know my true feelings on different topics. Come to think of it I don't know that anyone really does, not even myself.

I am very easily entertained. I like to think that it is one of my more redeeming qualities. I find joy in just about every situation. Life makes me happy, death also makes me happy. I, unlike many people, have a great acceptance of death. As a child I would often find myself thinking about death and how weird it would be to not be living. All I know is life. There is something intriguing about the unknown and how it is going to all work. How am I going to know what death is like if I am not living and thinking and knowing. I was reading in Moses with my roommates last week, and there is something so mind boggling about being in the presence of God and to be able to have full knowledge about this life and of the heavens. How would it have been to be Moses and to have seen all of the expansive things he had, and then come back down to his life and realize that what he saw was incomprehensible to his mortal mind.

Maybe that is why he was taken. Maybe he had acquired all the knowledge that his mortal mind could handle and in order to understand the things that he was trying to understand he had to be taken into the presence of God. I know when someone is taken that we tend to let our minds settle on the positive things and to justify it so that we can move on with our lives. The ever so popular "he was taken to be a missionary on the other side" is one I hear most often. There is a good chance that it is indeed true, but it still doesn't make me not hurt. I think there was still much I could have learned from him, and I also think that I could have taught him a few things. These things only happen to other people, not to me. I am going to clean my room now.